israel: final thoughts and feelings

i have been in this constant state of reflection the past couple of weeks. my stay in israel has been a whirlwind of amazing experiences and the rare glimpses into this life that i didn't even know existed outside the bubble of my sheltered american life. i am so, so, so glad that i chose to come here to study and live and grow. i admit that israel is not the easiest place to adjust to and still some events are jarring. however, it's slowly becoming a part of my everyday vernacular and i find it quite wonderful. at first, i fell in love quite easily with israel: the sights, the history, THE FOOD!, the people. furthermore, this place gave me a break that i sorely needed. then after a while, what i loved about israel slowly began to smother me and hold me down. the political situation here is something that takes a lot of effort and time. moreover, most people in israel aren't even fazed by the conflict and sometimes consider it a nuisance or background noise (!). indifference runs rampant in these parts and it can be difficult and frustrating to breach this shield. i was also tired of being treated as a frier, a pushover, because i am a foreigner and the attention that came with looking discernibly different from the rest. the atmosphere in jerusalem was oppressive and stifling at times. it was hard to find something to do on shabbat because the whole city shut down and not many things were open. it was hard being in a country, that is surrounded by countries that do not believe in the existence of said country and want to annihilate it. i also became homesick after a while and wanted to desperately come back because i had thought i saw, learned, did whatever it was that i wanted to accomplish. after much reflection, this is not it. it is hard to explain how i have come to love this country that i have no connection to in any way. but it is in a way a flower in a desert. if you give it the right care and enough time and have great patience, it flowers into something quite breath-taking and amazing. that is israel. yes nostalgia can make me gloss over the bad things but the bad things are outweighed by the good i have come across in israel. the close knit group of people i call friends and perhaps even family. the people that i have met on my trips who have shown me great hospitality to a complete stranger. the determination of both israelis and palestinians to keep persevering despite all the opposition that exists. i might not ever make aliyah but i see myself returning again and again. it is true what itamar and matan had told me before i left. i have a home here. for good or bad, it is someplace i can begin to call my own.