living in jerusalem is not the easiest thing to do. everything this place is, what it is not, and what it can be weighs down heavily. sure there is the jerusalem syndrome where foreigners who visit this place believe that they are the next messiah or develop psychological symptoms that they never exhibited before. this is something else entirely. it might be a combination of living in israel and jerusalem simultaneously. i'm constantly surrounding by politics, religion, history, hatred, oppression, not to mention the underlying hint of violence (which really frightens me now). if any society is a master of switching 'faces' or maintaing one so steadfastly, israel has others beat. needless to say, after being immersed completely in this environment for 3.5 months, i'm so heart and head tired. i think pretty soon, i can call myself an israeli by the way i'm "ignoring" the political troubles, even going out of my way to avoid the discussions altogether. i'm disgusted by those who use academia as a means to support their hate-filled biased statements. i'm tired of nothing GOOD happening. i've talked shop here more so than i have back in the states and i just want to throw in the towel. as childish as this sounds, israel and palestine should just hug it out. instead of showing violence and fear of one another, an extension of trust and happiness surely will fare better in the negotiations. i've started telling people here that i'm switzerland. indeed.
another thing that i've realized, being in the land of holy, i have been reflecting back on my past as a christian. i always went to church because my mother made me. but after a while, i decided that it was something that i liked doing and did so willingly. i was never a "die-hard" but it is safe to say that i had a relationship with god. at the age of thirteen/fourteen, i had a falling out with religion as i saw so much hypocrisy within the church. it was disgusting and i did want any part of it. in the meantime, i experimented with other religions such as wiccan (who doesn't), buddhism (to an extent), and even toying with atheism as i'm coming to see that god has a lot of bloodshed in his footsteps. but i have been spiritual and i don't know how to really explain that. after certain personal experiences, i felt that there was something missing in my life. i don't mean to get sentimental or religious in any fashion, i merely want to outline my progression of thought. i don't know what this missing 'thing' is but i'm starting to get the feeling that i want to return back to some form of god. i don't know if it is a christian god or a jewish god. while learning hebrew, i toyed with the idea of converting to judaism.
i'm surrounded by the culture that comes with judaism and i am very fascinated and drawn to it. judaism is such a strong community based religion. even those who say they are not religious still uphold the culture and customs of the religion such as going home for dinner with the family on shabbat, having seder on pesach, etc. it is so lovely to see that in the midst of a tumultuous globalization, that this traditionalist religion still strongly carries on. instead of celebrating the individual's connection with god, judaism focuses on the community's altogether relationship with each other and how that relates to god. it's so beautiful, really it is.
i've been to synagogue for shabbat service and it was comforting. i will hopefully accompany kimmy to her yeshua group and get my comparison going. i can't say for sure which i will eventually turn to but i see myself on a journey with god in the future.
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